LINKS

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THE ONION

Climatologists Secure Funding To Breed Glaciers In Captivity

Burger King Going Cageless

GAWKER

First Responders: Whole Foods

WE SMIRCH

Prosecutors: Revoke Hilton's probation (Associated Press)

Howard K. Wins a Big One (TMZ.com)
MICHAEL JACKSON HOSPITALIZED WITH PNEUMONIA IN LAS VEGAS ... (Roger Friedman/Fox News)

Britney and K-Fed Sign Divorce Settlement (Mayrav/Us Weekly)
Isla Fisher's Borat baby (FemaleFirst)

With five private jets, Travolta still lectures on global warming (Daily Mail)
Ashlee Simpson Gives John & Jessica a Thumbs Up (Marisa Wong/People.com)

Britney and K-Fed Settle Up (TMZ.com)
Britney & Kevin Reach Divorce Settlement (Frank Swertlow/People.com)

Paris Hilton May Face Jail Over Probation Violation (Ken Lee/People.com)

THE SUPERFICIAL

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline reach a settlement

Paris Hilton violates probation, faces jail time

DEFAMER

The Great Burbank Fire Of 2007: The Photo Gallery

Obamamania: Clooney Worries His Burning Passion May Consume His Chosen Candidate

Spears-Federline Divorce SettlementWatch: It's Final,Y'All!
Breaking: Burbank Is Burning!

Spears-Federline Divorce SettlementWatch: The End Is Near

Paris Hilton Stupid Act Not Fooling L.A. Prosecutors

GOSSIP OR TRUTH

Leonardo DiCaprio is getting married

Paris Hilton Faces Jail Time (That’s HOT!)

Britney and K-Fed finally agreed on something

JOSSIP

RTCA Field Report: Bill O'Reilly Knows How To Party

Jossip Juxtaposition: Sanjaya Malakar Starts New 'Dead Squirrel-Hair' Trend

Keith Olbermann Versus Rachel Marsden: Who's The Bigger Stalker?

Vanity Fair Causes Stock Market Crash Of '07

Nancy Grace: Taking Everything Other Journalists Reported And Mixing It Up In A Cuisnart

LA Times: You Can Check Out Anytime You Like, But You Can Never Leave

Wiping The Floor (Or Whatever) With Ann Coulter

Is A Life Without Facebook A Life Worth Living?

INTO GOSSIP

Kimberly Stewart at "The Reaping" Premiere

Scarlett's Movie Pushed Back For Awards Season

Nicole Richie is Set To Launch Her Own Perfume

Paris Hilton Faces Jail Time

Britney's Dentist Want You To Give Her A Break

The Bourne Ultimatum
Drew had a fling with some chick, who cares?

I DON'T LIKE YOU IN THAT WAY

Lindsay Lohan Still Has Nipples

Kelly Clarkson is Red Hot

ABC NEWS

Man Leads Chase, Claims He's Dick Cheney

High-Speed Chase Leads to Tragedy

No .XXX Designation for Porn Sites

Milk Prices Expected to Rise 9 Percent

Who's the Most Web Savvy '08 Candidate?

How to Avoid Foreclosure and Save Your Home

PETA: FDA Should Expand Pet Food Recall

Life of Obama's Childhood Friend Takes Drastically Different Path

Circuit City Lays Off Employees for Earning Too Much Money

British Sailor Apologizes for Trespassing in Iranian Waters

Chocolate Jesus Show Canceled

Bush Apologizes for Walter Reed Woes

Brush Fire Erupts in Hollywood Hills

Giuliani Faces Questions About Sept. 11

Britney Spears, K-Fed Settle Divorce
Jesse Jackson Backs Obama for President

Dems Edge Closer to Showdown Over Iraq

Wrongly Convicted Man Freed From Jail

BBC

Gates urges Guantanamo closure
US justice head 'knew of firings'

Japan mounts missile self-defence

EU ministers put pressure on Iran

Olmert praises peace 'revolution'

Campaign backs US Idol's 'worst'

Exxon agrees biggest China deal

UN chief urges Lebanon dialogue

Record low for euro jobless rate

Parents defend bus siege gunman

Ugandan army 'kills 66 children'

Somali violence 'worst in years'

US rejects Iran captives exchange

Hicks to serve nine months' jail

Ban on launch of new Basque party

Strike paralyses Brazil airports

Hackers hit TJ Maxx cardholders
Mugabe rival 'asked for beating'

FOX NEWS

Mexican Nabbed With 960 Pounds of Marijuana at Border

2 N.C. Students Charged With Cyber Stalking for MySpace Page

Colorado Cops Arrest Washington Dad Who Abducted Kids

Olmert: New Arab Peace Initiative 'Revolutionary'

Police: Teens Used Phone to Film Rape of 12-Year-Old Girl

Britney Spears, Kevin Federline Reach Divorce Settlement

Price of Milk Expected to Spike as Farmers' Costs Rise

Muqtada al-Sadr Blames U.S. for Iraq's Woes
Giuliani's Sept. 11 Leadership Could Present Challenges

Michael Jackson's Mystery Illness: A Bid for Attention?

Giuliani Admits Again Making Mistake in Backing Kerik

Controversial 'Chocolate Jesus' Exhibit Cancelled

Teens Admit to Starting Brush Fire Near Hollywood Sign

Hicks Gets 9 Months After Plea Deal

Albuquerque Police Use Runaway Bride Ad for Recruitment
Michael Jackson Hospitalized With Pneumonia in Las Vegas

Officials Discover 2 Smuggling Tunnels Along Border

Teacher at Exclusive New York School Convicted of Sodomy

The Minidress Is Back ... If You've Got the Legs for It

GOOGLE

Microsoft Tests Powerful New Mobile Browser - TrustedReviews
Bono Becomes British Knight -- But Don't Call Him 'Sir' - Spiegel Online

Britney Spears, Kevin Federline agree to divorce settlement - Actress Archives

UN Calls On Iran To Free Britons - CBS News

Pessina, KKR lift Alliance Boots offer to $19.8 billion - MarketWatch

Study Finds When Sharks Disappear, So Do Shellfish - Voice of America

Anti-missile system deployed around Tokyo today - AsiaNews.it

Rudy's Bernie Problem - CBS News

Ethanol Demand Fuels Rise In Corn Growth - CBS News

Pet Food Contained Chemical Found in Plastic, FDA Says - New York Times

How the US and Iran Traded Fire - TIME
Chocolate Jesus show canceled - Houston Chronicle

Massachusetts wind farm wins state approval - Reuters

White House Criticizes Pelosi's Syria Trip - abc7news.com

Fire sends smoke billowing over Hollywood sign - Reuters

Way clear for Mugabe to seek re-election - Telegraph.co.uk

Gates: Congress should find way to shut Guantanamo - Washington Post

Laughter the only medicine for a besieged White House - The Age

US critical of tepid African response to Mugabe - National Post

CNN

Giuliani open to wife at Cabinet meetings

Bizarre honeybee deaths cost billions

War efforts funded through July, analysis finds

9/11 could pose challenges for Giuliani

Runaway bride inspires police recruiting billboard

Bad credit home loans give economists willies

Al-Sadr wants protests to mark Baghdad's fall

Convicted Gitmo prisoner could be free in 9 months

War wounded promised better treatment

Anti-U.S. protests demanded to mark Baghdad's fall

Fired teacher indicted in sex scandal

Drunk mom jailed for death crash

Iran says fear of U.S. attack forces nuclear line

Bono knighted; son thinks he's a Jedi

Astronaut running Boston marathon in space

Saudi king blasts U.S. occupation of Iraq

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR

Firing of US attorneys: Was it too political?

British on tightrope over captives in Iran

USA TODAY

Australian Gitmo detainee gets 9 months

Military to use bomb-sniffing robots
British Marine apologizes on Iranian TV for alleged trespassing

First dry pet food recalled, chemical cited in supply

USS Cole blast suspect says he was tortured

Austin hopes to lead on plug-in cars

2 dead in attack on migrants in Ariz.

'Pork' to some; bread and butter to others
'08 candidates race clock on fundraising

MSNBC

General tried to warn Bush on Tillman

Pakistani tribals, militants clash

Dry brand added to pet food recall

SALON

How Bush's Justice Department has "blown it"

Bush's long history of politicizing justice

MARKET WATCH

Red Hat profit falls on disappointing revenue

Pessina, KKR lift Alliance Boots offer to $19.8 billion

Dell's latest statement dissected by a former U.S. prosecutor

Iberia may get $4.5 billion offer from TPG Capital

U.K. airport operator BAA referred to competition watchdog

Oil breaks 7-session winning streak, but ends month with a gain

Dell, GM, Ford, Citigroup, U.S. data to be focus of trading

Dollar slumps after U.S. unveils sanctions against China

Chicago index shows biggest monthly gain in its history

U.S. finds melamine in pet food linked to deaths

Oil stocks post losses as crude tumbles below $66

Internet regulator nixes .xxx Web address for sex sites

Wal-Mart vice-chair takes on role of chief administration officer

THE STREET

Red Hat Misses Top-Line Estimates

H&R Block Still in Unit Sale Talks

Strong Dollar Hinders Gold

Oil Finally Pulls Back

Bear Growls at Subprime

H&R Paring Mortgage Unit

FOOL.COM

No Red Ink at Red Hat: Fool by Numbers

Red Hat Reaches Adulthood

Family Dollar's Big Freeze

A Flourishing Family Dollar Stores: Fool by Numbers

Fool on the Street: What's in Store for Starbucks

Does Iran Really Matter?

CNN MONEY

Texas Pacific adds Iberia to wish list

Zell's Tribune bid topped by $1 a share

'Girls Gone Wild' founder plans restaurants

Fertilizer chemical found in recalled pet food

China poised for global shopping spree

Hill's Pet Nutrition dry food added to recall